As with everything in 2008, the solution seems to appear on the internet. Now, there are surely pitfalls, there’s no doubt about that. But if you know what you are doing, online dating can be the great equalizer for nearly everyone. It’s not a cure-all pill… There’s no magic formula… But with some common sense and a dash of RELATIONSUCKS philosophy, online dating can be a great source to find love.

Okay… So I know I’ve already lost some of you… While it’s becoming less and less prevalent as the internet become more and more part of our daily lives, there still is a bit of a stigma regarding “internet relationships”. The first step of successfully dating online?: You must accept and embrace a new way of looking at dating and relationships.

The key to dating successfully, in my humble opinion of course, is to carefully examine yourself, figure out what you like and what makes you happy, and then, and ONLY THEN, find someone that meets those expectations. I have plenty of guides and advice that helps you accomplish this, but it’s vitally important that you know who you are and what you want when you’re dating online.

Most people fail at online dating because they have no idea what they are looking for, making it impossible to find it. They end up writing a generic, ill conceived profile, throwing up a couple random pictures, and expect the man or women of their dreams to somehow show up in their email on bended knee.

Needless to say, it doesn’t work that way. For most people, dating sites are one huge “hot or not” website with the ability to “spit your game” for $14.95 per month. But this can be easily overcome with a few simple tips and ideas.

1. Don’t sell yourself. You are not a used car, nor an expensive piece of furniture. This is the biggest mistake people make and most don’t even realize it. Don’t spend a couple paragraphs telling how cool you are, how many times a week you go work out, how many degrees you have, or even how often you volunteer at the homeless shelter. I would contend not to start any sentence with “I am…” or “My friends say I’m…” Make your profile a SNAPSHOT of you rather than a CAPTION!
2. Don’t be clique. I know traveling the world, taking horse drawn carriage rides, and walking hand and hand watching the sunrise on exotic beaches sounds like a pretty amazing time, but we don’t live in Hollywood (well, most of us at least). Try to show off yourself as you are on a day to day basis, as that’s the most important part of dating. I can ASSURE you that if someone is dating you AND is RIGHT for you, they’ll figure out ways to impress you and what you like (and if not, why are you dating them, stupid?) That’s not information they need to know BEFORE they meet you. Remember, a profile is a SNAPSHOT!
3. Use Great Photos! Now don’t get me wrong… This doesn’t mean use those pictures from before you put on those 25 lbs. And that doesn’t mean crop out you “bad body part here” so that no one sees your perceived weaknesses. You should strive to find pictures that will show off your good qualities, but at the same time, give everyone an idea of what they will see on the first meeting. Make a great first impression… That’s key… But remember, that if things are going to progress, they will be seeing you in person, where you can’t be cropped or retouched!
4. Be Positive and Upbeat. While it’s bad to sell yourself, underselling is even more of a pitfall in the online profile. If you can’t be positive and upbeat, you shouldn’t be on a dating site, rather on other parts of this blog learning how to become a happy, successful person. If you truly know what you want and really believe you deserve it, it will make a much more refreshing and approachable profile.
5. Don’t Dwell or Accuse. In the same vain, it’s VITAL that you don’t allow past relationships and/or experience affect your profile. NEVER put something like “Cheaters suck… been there done that…” or “Players need not apply” or “If you’re just looking for one thing, move on”. This only makes you seem bitter and gives the impression you have unresolved issues. No one classifies themselves as these things anyway, so saying them isn’t going to accomplish anything but creating a negative first impression of yourself.

Okay… So we have a start… The next installment will work to fine tune your profile and give tips and ideas on how to search and find a true match online. But first, it’s time to get started working on your profile. In true RELATIONSUCKS form, we highly recommend testing and practicing online dating. There are numerous places to get a free profile which will allow you get the ball rolling on your internet dating. I HIGHLY recommend joining a couple sites and get comfortable with how dating sites work and learn which sites work best for you. Create a couple profiles, send a couple emails, and start learning what works on your own. And be sure to check back this week for more tips and to see if you’re doing things right

Our favorite free trials (no credit card needed for any of these sites):

SINGLESNET.COM
– One of the largest and best run dating sites online. Get a free trial that will allow you to contact members and use all the functions totally free and without a credit card. A perfect place to start practicing online dating!

AMERICANSINGLES.COM - American Singles offers one of the easiest registrations and a great free trial without needing a credit card. I get 3-4 emails a day from qualified candidates and I’m not even that cute haha

MATE1.COM - One of the most active adult dating sites on the web. With risque pictures and an open look at dating, this is one of the best places for like-minded adults to meet.

Good luck! And be sure to let us know if you’d like us to critique your profile! We’d be happy to! Just shoot me an email!

So are you feeling good about being single today? Really?! Great! That’s good news. That’s a great segway into what I’m going to talk about today. The way people react to you, perceive you, and interact with you is based on how you portray yourself. That’s why it is important to be happy with yourself and to not be defined by your relationships. If you are positive and optimistic, you will open up many doors that you didn’t even know existed.

But being positive and upbeat is not the end all. You can be very happy with your life, in a wonderful place, and still have a bad love life. Most people will tell you that “you’ll find a relationship when and where you least expect it”. While that might be true, the reason for that is not as apparent as it seems.

They lead you to believe you magically meet someone because you’re not looking anymore… You will just meet some guy/girl, hit it off, and fall madly in love… And then they will give you some examples of times this exact situation happened. And I agree. That’s usually a great time to meet someone. But it’s not magic. Not even a little bit. The reason this bit of wisdom is true, is because you are meeting someone WHILE BEING YOURSELF. That phenomenon happens when you meet someone in a comfortable setting where the goal isn’t to “find someone”.

Which brings me to my point. Most of the time, the most difficult way to start a relationship is to “date”. It’s unnatural. For most people who struggle with relationships anyway, it puts tons of pressure and stress on any potential relationship. You spend more time wonder whether to call, when to call, if you are calling too much, where to go, what to wear, what to do, etc. etc. etc. Dating breeds doubt about EVERYTHING. And doubt is the enemy of successful relationships.

So am I saying to stop dating? NO! Of course not. What I am saying is that it’s key to maintain a comfort zone. You need to learn something from conventional wisdom and apply it outside the box. If you can simulate the way you are when you aren’t searching for a relationship WHILE you’re searching for the relationship, you’ll improve your chances of meeting someone AND of actually hitting it off!

So how do you do this? I think it’s vital to get comfortable in dating situations and make it comfortable for your date so you can stop worrying about all the dating stuff and focusing on getting to know the person.

The best way? PRACTICE!
I’ve never understood how anyone expects to be “good” at dating when they’ve never actually done it well. Just like anything, being comfortable when “interested” in a guy/girl takes practice. For some people it’s pretty natural. For most of us, it’s one of the most difficult things we can possibly do.

So how do you practice? Find low risk situations and learn from them! Start with small things. Make it a point to “flirt” (whatever that means to you and your personality) with people you find cute in your everyday life. You’ll learn this later, but “flirt” is in quotes because most people DON’T KNOW HOW! They think flirting is complimenting the person! WRONG! My definition of FLIRTING is taking a chance and showing someone you are interested by showing them your true personality without knowing if they are going to “like” you.

It’s about taking a chance. They key is, finding situations to start with where the “chance” is small. So you flirt with a waiter/waitress and her/she completely blows you off? Who cares! The key to success is to get to a point where that situation doesn’t bother you. Where you can go up and flirt with the next waiter/waitress and try again. Are you going to meet someone this way? Maybe. But probably not.

Most waitresses/waiters get hit on CONSTANTLY, especially if they are cute, which is why they are perfect practice. You get instant feedback in a very low pressure situation. If you are feeding them bull, you’ll know very quickly, as you will get the “oh, that old line again” look. You should practice being yourself. Your goal should be to act the same way towards your waitress for that 30 minutes as you would around your best friend who you kinda have feelings for because you get along so well. You might be surprised how receptive they are if you’re just yourself.

Once your perfect that and start feeling comfortable, you up the ante. You start going and talking to cute girls/guys in the store, at the coffee house, at the bar, at school, at work… You don’t need to be smooth. You don’t need to be suave. You just need to go up and talk about something. You should always have an idea of what you COULD talk about, but don’t use a script. If you’re used to talking and “flirting” with the opposite sex, conversations will come fairly naturally, especially since you’ve been PRACTICING!

I’ll take this time to warn you about some pitfalls. First, DON’T PRACTICE ON YOUR FRIENDS!!! I can’t stress this enough. Don’t do it! Second, don’t lower your standards. Don’t “practice” on girls/guys you know you can get. That does you no good. It doesn’t do anything but prove that you can get them. Plus, if you do it right, they will fall madly in love with you and you’ll spend hours trying to tell them that you aren’t good for them.

One last note about this “practice” stuff is this: The whole reason you are practicing is to practice! You have to keep an upbeat positive attitude about the whole thing and take all the positive and negative reaction in stride and learn something from it. Most of the reason I like “practicing” on servers, bartenders, etc. is that you don’t really pick them. You have as good of a chance having nothing in common as you do having lots in common. This is all leading to something… Keep the big picture in mind. You can’t change your life overnight, but if you work at it, you can prepare yourself to really make it work when you get in the right situation.

So if it’s not overly obvious already, the “love work” for today is to start breaking down those barriers and practicing what you struggle with. If the situations don’t really apply to you, think about what you do struggle with and try to find a way to practice and make it less hard for you. Too many people don’t realize how confidence and self-esteem work. It’s not about always making it work… It’s easy to believe in yourself when things are going your way. What’s a true test of self-confidence is to still believe in yourself when things don’t magically fall into place. You will be able to handle things much more logically when aren’t scared of rejection.

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So if you did your homework, you know what qualities you are looking for in a potential mate, right? Right? Today I’ll cover one of the most important and most overlook aspects of finding a successful, happy relationship.

Today’s Motto: “The only way you are going to date a great guy/girl is to be dating him/her in the present, or be single and available.”

If you aren’t with a wonderful guy/girl and you aren’t AVAILABLE, how in the world are you going to find a great guy? So today we’re going to focus on getting over past relationships, learning the powers of being a happy single, and getting rid of the hanger-oners.

The most logical place to start is getting over past relationships. Whether they are recent break-ups, your first love that you’ve never fully gotten past, or just a string of bad relationships that have you jaded, this is a key for happy relationships. Too many people project their ex’s bad qualities and habit onto all future relationships and hold “all men/women” accountable for what their ex’s did.

Break-ups are hard. No matter who breaks up, if you wanted to or not, and if the person is good for you or not. At least one of you will still have feelings (or it won’t be hard getting over anyway, and they don’t count) and it’s always hurtful to know someone doesn’t care about you anymore. You must remember, most of the “hurt” in break-ups is because of hurt pride and fear of the unknown.

The key to getting over someone is deciding that’s what needs to happen. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of remembering the good times and knowing he/her could have been great for you. DON’T! If they were great for you, you’d still be together. And if for some reason you broke up for a bad reason and you still are madly in love and going to get married, it can still happen… You just need to give it time to ensure that’s actually the case rather than

The other “trap” is becoming “friends”. This rarely ever works, especially in cases where you had a deep, long term relationship. Becoming friends with your ex is not fair to you, not fair to them, and not fair to potential relationships in the future. This is DOUBLY important if the ex was a friend before hand. You can’t go back! That’s why it is VITALLY important you pick wisely. If you decide to be friends, give it time, and not just a week. Most of the time, “friends” just means at least one of you wants to keep close enough to keep the door open.

The key to remember about ex’s is, they are an ex for a reason. They will be MUCH easier to get over if you’re confident, having fun, and believe that you will find someone better. That’s what we need to work on next… Learn how to be a happy single and you won’t NEED a boyfriend/girlfriend… and ex’s will lose that magical power over you.

I contend that the biggest “problem” with relationships in this day in age is that people have no idea how to be single. Even when it’s put in a positive light, basically it just means you’re allowed to go to the bar, take home some random guy/girl, and have no ramifications. Or its “great” because you can go out with so many new guys, girls, couples, whatever…

I’m here to tell you being single can and should be great, and not for any of those reasons. It shouldn’t have anything to do with the opposite sex. It should be great because while single, you get to focus on yourself without being selfish. For some of you, it will take some getting used to, but you really can learn to love being really, truly single!

I’ve never understood how someone can expect another person to be happy with them if he/she isn’t happy with himself/herself. It’s important that you learn what you like and what makes you happy so you can find a partner that can personify those traits and engage in those activities. Relationships are all about give and take. Being single is all about discovering yourself and assuring that you bring to the table your true self to give.

That brings me to my last point, which I will just discuss briefly now and in more depth later. It’s very important to get rid of the hanger-oners. These are those guys/girls that you know like you and you keep around purely because they boost your self esteem. Not only is that very flawed logic, hanger-oners really only hinder your ability to meet someone.

These hanger-oners usually fill rolls left by not having a relationship. Whether it’s someone to always talk to, someone who adores you or wants you, or even fulfills sexual needs, these are usually empty relationships that end up hurting your cause more than helping it.

Being lonely is not an excuse to keep around people who do nothing but give you something to do. Rather than learning about yourself and finding yourself, you continue to get trapped in bad habits and hanging out with guys/girls who you honestly are not good for you.

So today’s assignment should be fairly obvious… Take a look at your life and highlight those past relationships, people, and situations that are bringing you down. Look logically at your life and identify those people that are holding you back and the people you want to move forward with and begin that process. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen if you work for it. No one wants to date someone who is trapped in their past.

Remember, meeting the guy/girl of your dreams is only half the battle… Being in the state of mind to assure it works out another huge part. Kill two birds with one stone. Find out about YOU… What you like… what you want to do with your life… If you love being single, the hang-oners won’t be needed. You will fulfill your own needs and you will put yourself in a position to meet someone who is good for you!

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Welcome back! So you’re head is clear, your past is in the past, and you’re ready to get rolling I see! Excellent! So here we go.

So where should I begin? The obvious starting point, of course. The first and most important thing to remember when working on your love life is… (drum roll please) FINDING SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LIKE!Now, this seems overly obvious and pretty straight forward, but in reality, this is the real reason most relationships fail.

Here’s my theory… There is a large group of you that are “in love” with the idea of being “in love”. Because of this, too many relationship start off wonderful and fade throughout time. The reason? You didn’t really FIT with the person to begin with. This perpetuates itself in numerous different ways.

Love at First Sight
Here’s the scoop. It’s a myth. Do you want to know why? Because love is not what you’re feeling… It’s chemistry. I’ll be the first to admit, there are some people you meet that you just hit it off with. You get the feeling that they understand you and you connect on a much deeper level than you “should” with someone you just met. Most of the time this feeling isn’t “wrong”. Chemistry cannot be faked.

This is where a lot of people get hung up. It’s not called chemistry without reason. It’s the fundamental element of a good relationship, BUT it’s just one part. There are many important parts of a relationship that have nothing to do with chemistry. They also cannot be discovered in the first 10 minutes of meeting someone.

This is why so many relationships start off with a bang and end with a sizzle.

People Don’t Usually Change. Your Perception About Them Does!
The reason most couples end long term relationships is the dreaded “we grew apart” or “he/she’s so much different than when I met him/her”. While on occasion this is actually true, most of the time it just SEEMS true.

Nearly every relationship begins well, because, honestly, you wouldn’t get in a relationship if it wasn’t going well. When things are going well, it’s easy to project them going well for a long period of time, or even forever. At this point most people will tell you that this “honeymoon stage” must end. I am not most people.

I believe that the honeymoon stage is one of the main problems with relationships. You create a relationship that isn’t real. Dating/Courting is NOT the most ideal way to start a relationship and many times is actually the dagger that eventually pierces many relationships. Rather than finding someone who you get along with and who you really LIKE, you find someone who can MANUFACTURE those feelings.

So how does all this help you have better relationships? That’s simple! You need to be aware of the traps you can fall in and put checks in place to ensure you’re meeting the right people and “falling” for the right people. In addition, it’s vital that you are yourself from the beginning of every potential relationship and that you don’t “give in” to ensure that “he/she will like me”.

You are who you are. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t like YOU! It’s nearly impossible to think about these things when you are in the process of falling for someone. Logic takes a back seat to emotion and hormones.

So here’s today’s “love work”. Make a list of qualities you WANT in a partner and that you DON’T WANT in a partner. Look back on past relationships and find the qualities in your exes that were “deal breakers” as well as things that that you loved about them and make note. Try to keep the list to just the things you MUST have and the things you CAN’T have.

Do all this very logically and keep your emotion out of it. Take special care not to project qualities onto situations. Just because your ex’s parents were divorced doesn’t mean you should knock off everyone who fits that mold. Just because your ex loved animals doesn’t mean everyone who loves dogs is going to be loving and caring.

Once you have this list, memorize it. Study it. And use it! This will help you look much more objectively at all potential mates and give you a much better chance of succeeding. It will also ensure that you’re finding someone YOU like. If you do this and don’t give in from the beginning, you have a great chance of getting serious with someone who is actually good for you!

One more note… It’s never bad to be picky. Don’t fall into the trap of falling for someone because they show interest. Be selective and never settle. That’s the best way to ensure you meet a person who you actually LIKE!

See you tomorrow… And I’ll be checking that list! Feel free to post your list as a comment if you want to be help accountable. That’s always key to success!

Want to make sure you don’t miss a thing? Sign-Up for my newsletter! You’ll receive a weekly reminder to check out the progress of the 30 days! In addition, you will receive a bi-weekly update with links to all my new guides and well as exclusive information and offers only available to my newsletter subscribers. Best of all? IT’S FREE!

Want to start from the beginning? Miss a day?

Check out the 30 Days to a Better Love Life Homepage NOW!

At the completion of this series, you will learn how to become a mate and how to find a mate who will make you happy. My goal is to show you how to have the happiest relationships of your life. Every day you will get tips, advice, and suggestions that will help every one, from single guys who have never had a girl friend, to single girls who always have a boyfriend, and everyone in between.

Why am I so confident? Because being happy with your love life isn’t nearly as hard as we make it out to be. I have no magic formula. There’s no secret formula or crazy angel with a bow and arrow; just a basic, simplistic, logical approach to love and compatibility.

At the end of every post, I will leave you with some “love work” to put what’s being preached into practice. The first assignment: “Leave your baggage at the door”. Stop worrying about what has happened in the past, how you’ve been treated in the past, and how you’ve treated people in the past! The past is NOT the present and it definitely isn’t the future.

Remember my motto, “If you’re doing it right, only one relationship is going to last forever. That means every other one is going to end.” So tonight’s homework: Put all the failures behind you and come in with an open mind and watch your love life evolve.

Until Tomorrow…

Want to make sure you don’t miss a thing? Sign-Up for my newsletter! You’ll receive a weekly reminder to check out the progress of the 30 days! In addition, you will receive a bi-weekly update with links to all my new guides and well as exclusive information and offers only available to my newsletter subscribers. Best of all? IT’S FREE!

Want to start from the beginning? Miss a day?

Check out the 30 Days to a Better Love Life Homepage NOW!

What I guess I’m trying to say is, the world’s pretty easy to understand… And even when it’s not really doing what it’s “supposed” to, it somehow still makes perfect sense. There’s very little that happens that completely perplex me…

All that brings me to my story… My little case study, if you will (I think this is a case study… that sounds kinda scientific and I happen to not believe in science)…

So I was in the bathroom last night at the bar and witnessed a strange, yet ever-growing phenomenon… I have noticed this quite often lately… So often that it can no longer be a couple isolated incidences. Now, before I go any further, I must set the record “straight” (pun intended)… I am a look straight forward at above the urinal kinda guy. I am not out to compare nor contrast my junk with the other junk down the row… I’m not “sizing” up the competition… Nothing like that…

Yet, I have noticed, with my incredibly in-depth peripheral vision, that a growing (no pun intended) number of guys… Undo their belt to piss. Apparently it’s pretty much the thing to do… Last night at the bar, every single person who walked up, present company excluded, undid their belt before urinating… WHY?!? Someone please explain this to me… I am searching for the answer… But while searching, I’ve come up with a couple plausible explanations and cleverly named them for the sake of humor…

The Caveman Theory
Have you ever seen the Nature Channel? The hunter always stalks his prey, finds the weakest of the heard and pounces. And while humans are a bit more sophisticated than that, we still have a bit of the natural hunter instincts. You see where this is going, right? You have the guy at the end of the row checking out the other alpha-males to see which is the weakest… Which male he can dominate and steal his catch… He saw you with that super-fly blonde and he’s checking to see if you’re packing enough punch to hold him off… So you have a little dick? What are you to do? How are you to keep this dude off the superfly blonde? You do what man has done for hundreds of years… You trick him… Brains always beat out Brute… So you flop out your recockulously long belt which conveniently is shaped like a flaccid penis… He can’t get a good look, because that’s gay, but he sees a couple inches more than he’s got and slinks out of the bathroom and orders another drink alone…

The Crimped Hose/Ghetto Pants Theory
Have you ever stepped on a hose while watering the flowers? You will notice that the water flow significantly lowers, if not shuts down completely. Applying that theory to our little bathroom discussion, maybe guys are wearing their pants so low these days, that the belt is cutting off their pee-vein (this is, in fact the technical term… I did look it up)… Girls hate boys who wear pants at their waist… That was so 1998. Now the hunnies want the boys who waddle to keep their pants up… So the only way to un-crimp the pee-vein is to undo the belt, allowing free flowing of the urine. A very scientific debate, I know, but plausible none-the-less…

Shock and Awe
Have you ever actually STOOD in the chick line to the bathroom in the bar? Girls apparently don’t know how to pee too good, because it takes them freakin’ FOREVER! So what happens… You have the super drunk chicks who is pretty damn sexy who pretty much thinks she owns the world… That beeya isn’t waiting in line… DO YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS? So she just slips into the boy’s bathroom… She’s hammered and horny, so she’s definitely taking a peek down the urinal to pick out her grade A meat for the night… Perception is reality in this case, especially with drunk, horny girls… As long as you can get them to your house, she won’t turn you down even though you only have a 3 inch dong… SO you flop out the belt, pray that she’s had enough to have the vision fuzzy, so it looks like it’s in 3D and BLAMEO… You snagged the hot slut who thinks you have a 10 inch dong…

There’s probably a bit more simple explanation, but I can’t think of one… So someone, please tell me… Am I right? On the right track? Completely off base? Inquiring minds MUST know! Because I really have to pee…

Comment B.A.M.Fers…. NOW!

I want someone who family means as much to them as it does to me… But not so much that they arent able to be live their own lives. I want someone who will be a fabulous mother; and a wonderful wife. A girl who cares about people, but not too much that she doesn’t care about herself. A women who understands the importance of relationships, yet isnt defined by other people. I like very independent girls… who don’t NEED me but who WANT to spend time with me… because they feel the same way… I want a girl with other options, yet who would choose me every time…

Beautiful… naturally… a girl who is beautiful when she wakes up, sexy when she dresses up, and stunning when she goes to bed. Someone who makes me wonder, every single day, why I am the luckiest guy in the world. A women who isnt defined by her appearance and embraces her style, whatever it happens to be.

I am looking for a girl that is comfortable in her own skin and makes me comfortable. I want someone who notices the little things… Who is content with a hand on the small of her back, a brush of her hair when walking by… and who finds little things to do to show me how much she cares. Someone who is observant and who is who doesnt need constant affirmation that I truly love her… I am looking for someone who isnt easily impressed… who truly appreciates everything about me.

Someone who I enjoy going to the grocery with and who makes shopping bearable… A girl who will try new things… Who will go out of her comfort zone and force me out of mine… I am looking for someone who is just as comfortable sitting at a little league game in a baseball cap as she is in a little black dress the symphony…

I want someone would be best friends with even if we never touched. I want goose bumps when we lay next to each other years down the road… I want someone who I think about right before I go to sleep and wake up thinking about the next morning. And I want that feeling to last…

I want a girl who understands me… Someone who, rather than nagging about my faults, finds a way to assure they dont hold us back. I want someone who will really, truly be my partner; someone who makes me a better person and becomes a better person by being together. I want someone who really believes she is my other half…

I dont need someone who I am madly in love with 100f the time… I dont need magic and fireworks every time we are together… I just need someone that makes me happy; someone who I look at every morning and cant imagine seeing anyone else.

If thats shallow, you can find me down in the kiddie pool…

(PS… This is where you COMMENT… Don’t be shy)

I am still young enough to date 18 year olds… Yet their father will likely bring a shotgun to the door each and every date.

I can still fit in the bar scene… can still get in on “college id night”… and still have lots of friends that party pretty much every night of the week… Yet this behavior will likely get me fired because a 3 AM bedtime and 6:30 wake time don’t really mesh…

I make enough money to go the places I want and do things that I’ve always wanted to do… But all my friends are working, getting married, or watching kids… So I have to do these things by myself.

I hate all my friends in serious relationships and claim “they are way too young… and so stupid”, yet 92% of my life is consumed by thinking about girls and longing for a committed relationship.

Basically, I am at the age that no one makes movies about… no one really cares about… “Nobody likes you when you’re 23″… and that’s the damn truth.

Well, maybe people like me… Actually, I am quite sure they do… They just don’t know what to do with me… Mostly because I don’t know what to do with me… It’s like, I can’t decide if I wanna be a fun crazy bachelor who goes out with a different girl every night or a dood who stays in on a Friday night, makes dinner, and watch “elimidate” re-runs with that special someone. Both of those things seem pretty fun… which, I am quite sure, doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. Yet in the past few months I have done both those things and enjoyed each immensely…

And honestly, this paradox is causing me much psychological trauma. For the first time in my life, I am noticeably moody… I change my mind about fundamental things on a daily basis. I can’t even decide if I want to wear boxers, briefs, or free-ball it… I mean, honestly… I am a mess.

And now it is showing up in other parts of my life… In really odd ways. Just today I got teary eyed while watching “The Breakup”… A freakin COMEDY! Vince Vaughn almost made me cry… I haven’t cried in the movie theatre since “All Dogs Go To Heaven”… yet there I was… A little misty because Vince Vaughn was breaking up with my future ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston… That cannot be a good sign.

But I am going to blame that on TQLC… And hope that passes pretty quickly… Because if not, I can only image what will be next… Hell, if I keep going down this path I am going to start adopting grey hounds and nursing baby bunnies back to health with my own bare hands… And if you know anything about my “love” of animals, you will know, at that point, I need to be “put down”… Cause I have officially lost it… And will become a danger to myself and others. Just call me Old Yeller… and yes… thinking about Old Yeller is making me a little emotional… I need to go get a Kleenex…

I would, at this point, like to point out that I have already built to the point that you inevitably be disappointed when I finally get to the story… I just want to warn you now… Don’t say I never did anything for ya… So strap on your seatbelts, dildos, and beer hats… We’re going for a crazy ride…

Today my mother and I had… “THE TALK”… Yes, I am probably a little old for “THE TALK”, especially since, well, it isn’t “THE TALK” that you probably have envisioned. No, this “TALK” (okay, really, I’m done with the over killed capitalized quotes) was about what I have become as a person.

Apparently my mom thinks I am an utterly shallow, conceded asshole. WHICH ONE OF YOU EFFERS TOLD HER? Oh wait, I guess that was me. I made the innocent comment that the girl she wants to set me up with would most likely hate me because, well, I am not really her type… Sometimes I just know these things… True, what I was really saying was that she wasn’t AT ALL my type, but, honestly, who’s keeping track.

My ingeniously flawless logic apparently struck a sour note with my dear mother who spent the next 10 minutes telling me how sweet I used to be (her words), how she didn’t raise me to be a conceded asshole (my words, not hers), and how if I don’t marry an ugly chick, I would rot in hell (okay, you caught me… I stopped listening fairly soon after she started talking about me being sweet)…. I apparently am bitter that nice guys finish last (I think that line woke me from my trance) and have concocted a very bitter pill known as sarcasm to combat my newfound wisdom.

All this would make a hell of a lot more sense if a.) I wasn’t always a smart ass, b.) I dated exclusively dead beat, bimbo sluts, and/or c.) I was finishing somewhere besides last at this point in my life.

Pretty much, I’ve always welcomed all uncomfortable situations, like, you know dating, with an aura of smart-assed, playful banter, and laughing at myself and my surroundings. That’s kinda my MO… I’m the dude that makes fun of everything, including myself, you laugh then get naked… and we get along really well…

I have dated a very limited number of girls more than 5 times, but all of those I have, she has liked. I have had a grand total of ZERO one night stands in my life and have met a whooping 3 girls in bars… The girls that I do seem to like and can put up with my shit for more than a couple dates have all met my mom… They love her… She loves them… It’s like a platonic orgy of love (yes, I know Joey… that was repetitive)… Yet I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m out meeting horny, gross sluts and doing them in the butt or something just because I think they are cute… (True, I probably would if I could, but I can’t)

And I still finish last in nearly every situation. I have a big, blinking, neon sign stapled to my ridiculously good looking forehead that reads, “BFF MATERIAL. Now Open”. The only girls that seem to want me are the types that are in love with being in love… Because it’s apparently fun, this being in love…

::Run on sentence alert::

So, like the wonderful son I am, I tried to explain to my poor dear mother that I am an alpha dog and I swallow up unsuspecting girls’ personalities, leaving them on the other side of the table in a complete mute trance, not able to get a word in edge wise because, well, I am too gorgeous. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t buy it.

I then tried to explain that I did like girls with wonderful personalities who complimented me… But I also like hot chicks that look good naked… I’ll be honest, I phrased it a little more tactfully at the time, but you guys don’t like tact. Mom’s do. I don’t understand why I can’t have both… That’s my argument… “Mom, why can’t I have a girl that is beautiful and smart and funny and cool? Am I not pretty enough?”

See kids, this is the ideal strategy to get moms to stop talking about your weaknesses and start giving you gold stars and pats on the head: Ask them if your penis is long enough (if you want them so grossed out they never talk to you again) or ask them if you are cute (the more safe bet)… Different situations call for different measures….

She was still a tiny bit iffy, wondering if she had, in fact, raised a shallow asshole for a son. So I did what all good boys do to win and end arguments… Compliment the beeya. “Mom, I just want someone like you…. Who will be a wonderful mother, a loving wife, someone I can feel proud getting caught receiving naked pictures at my work email address, and whose kids’ friends will be proud to call a MILF.” Oh, how flattery always works. She finally saw where I was coming from… I was just looking for a younger version of her… And all was well…

And while it seems like maybe I pulled out all the stops, I didn’t have to pull out the big gun. The one thing that ALWAYS works when mom talks about my shallowness… I know that all I have to say is, “well, you want cute grandbabies, RIGHT? Do you really think boinking ________________ will get you pretty little babies? No WAY! I’ve been looking in the mirror and you and I both will agree that I need all the help I can get…”

And that would be that… Because, she too noticed that I needed a little help.. And all good grandmas want cute babies, RIGHT? Now forgive me while I continue my favorite online activity, sending kinky messages to hot MySpace whores!